"You don't have to apologize."
I know I don't - but I never did, for anything. I hate admitting I'm
wrong. I'm competitive, and determined. I hate making mistakes. And all
the mistakes I made with you I didn't want to face the truth and admit
it to myself. I can't remember the last time I told someone I was wrong.
You're the first in a long time. I don't want to ever ruin my character
nor let my emotions outplay my intelligence. It's not right, and out of
all people, you didn't need any of it the negativity that I brought
upon our friendship.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Fixing What You Broke
There was a time in my life, during high school, where I honestly thought I found the girl of my dreams. Call me crazy since nearly everyone says they found "the one" during those times, but I really did. Words can not even begin to express the feeling of happiness and contentment I felt when I was around her. Whether it was sitting in my car listening to music, or lying on the couch watching a movie, every minute spent with her was breathtaking. Then, something happened. A girl from my past that never gave me a chance finally saw me happy and it made her jealous. For days and weeks, she tried to pull me away from being happy and I had to fight the temptation. For the record, I never cheated on my girlfriend at the time. Because the temptation got the best of me, I decided the break up with my girlfriend to be with the girl I always wanted to be with. Sadly, that was a poor decision. That girl, the one that pushed me with this temptation, just wanted to see if I would actually break up with my girlfriend, which left me alone and heart broke.
The worst part about the whole situation was that prior to me and my girlfriend dating, there was a stretch where she wouldn't give me a chance because she didn't trust me. She knew about my past with that girl and she knew the severity of emotional conflict I went through with her. Enough time passed, however, that I finally earned her trust.
So, when I broke up with her for the exact reason why she didn't want to trust me in the first place is detrimental. Since she was my first serious girlfriend, the first girl I really loved, and feeling so guilty over my mistake, I spent nearly 2 years trying to apologize and attempting to make things better in every way I could. It never worked.
I pushed, I crawled, and bent over backwards to go out of my way to prove my worth but yet the pain I caused her was so deep, that no progress ever got made. I honestly know that I have myself to blame for that. Every single bit of blame is on me, and no one else.
Since then, the girl that caused me the temptation is moved far across the state with a 2 year old baby and a fiance. My ex-girlfriend lives in a different state and we haven't talked in nearly a year. Also, if you believe in karma, my last girlfriend, Samantha, cheated on me. Since my first girlfriend, Sam was the last person I trusted my life and heart with. She did to me the same exact thing I did to my first girlfriend, minus the cheating. Now, I know the feeling. I know how it feels to have your heart ripped out of your chest. The pain and agony is so bad that it causes you to become emotionally unstable. I never meant for any of this happen and if only I was able to go back and time and make different decisions, I would. But, in reality, we can't. I can't. No one can fix anything in the past. The past is the past for a reason and all we can really do is move on and learn from our mistakes.
I will not lie, though. There are plenty of days that go by that I still think about her, my first girlfriend. I try to not think about the bad times, but the good times. The times we spent smiling together, singing our favorite songs, spending time at the beach, and more. Looking back now, I realize those were indeed the happiest times of my life. I have learned from my mistakes, greatly, and I hope to never make the same mistakes again. Cheers to 01.13.08
The worst part about the whole situation was that prior to me and my girlfriend dating, there was a stretch where she wouldn't give me a chance because she didn't trust me. She knew about my past with that girl and she knew the severity of emotional conflict I went through with her. Enough time passed, however, that I finally earned her trust.
So, when I broke up with her for the exact reason why she didn't want to trust me in the first place is detrimental. Since she was my first serious girlfriend, the first girl I really loved, and feeling so guilty over my mistake, I spent nearly 2 years trying to apologize and attempting to make things better in every way I could. It never worked.
I pushed, I crawled, and bent over backwards to go out of my way to prove my worth but yet the pain I caused her was so deep, that no progress ever got made. I honestly know that I have myself to blame for that. Every single bit of blame is on me, and no one else.
Since then, the girl that caused me the temptation is moved far across the state with a 2 year old baby and a fiance. My ex-girlfriend lives in a different state and we haven't talked in nearly a year. Also, if you believe in karma, my last girlfriend, Samantha, cheated on me. Since my first girlfriend, Sam was the last person I trusted my life and heart with. She did to me the same exact thing I did to my first girlfriend, minus the cheating. Now, I know the feeling. I know how it feels to have your heart ripped out of your chest. The pain and agony is so bad that it causes you to become emotionally unstable. I never meant for any of this happen and if only I was able to go back and time and make different decisions, I would. But, in reality, we can't. I can't. No one can fix anything in the past. The past is the past for a reason and all we can really do is move on and learn from our mistakes.
I will not lie, though. There are plenty of days that go by that I still think about her, my first girlfriend. I try to not think about the bad times, but the good times. The times we spent smiling together, singing our favorite songs, spending time at the beach, and more. Looking back now, I realize those were indeed the happiest times of my life. I have learned from my mistakes, greatly, and I hope to never make the same mistakes again. Cheers to 01.13.08
Thursday, March 1, 2012
1 Hour
Samantha called me the other night, exactly at 10:00pm. When the phone rang, and I saw her name pop up on my phone screen, I felt my heart skip a beat, literally. I let it ring twice, maybe three times, before I answered it. It almost felt as if I was stuck in a moment between reality and a undiscovered dream that maybe I was intended on finding.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Friday, December 16, 2011
How Much Money is LOVE Worth?
You can't "buy" love, but what if you could?
* If I had a machine that would make you fall in love with somebody for the rest of your life, what would I charge you to use the machine?
Passionate Love ONLY - This is what we see in new couples today - Where you want to be with that person every minute possible, almost obsessive like. This is also called Limerence - Like waking up early to go get breakfast and missing class to see that person
Men and Women both experience the same levels of passionate love while in a relationship.
Men tend to fall into love, faster and sooner, than women, who tend to be more cautious.
UK Experiment - Compared the feelings of people being told "I love you" for the first time to that of when gamblers win large sums of money,
Hearing I love you is ~ = $267,000
Visualizing the effect money has on a person - Love is democratic, everyone feels it, no matter who you are or how much money you have.
Having more money does not equate to being more happy - Hedonistic treadmill - Getting more money helps with happiness, but only to certain point ($75,000) then money has diminishing returns on how happy it makes you.
Long term, committed relationships - love correlates to living longer.
Life-long pair bonds (a relationship that lasts a lifetime), (long term, compassionate love) - live 15% longer on average (~$30,40,000)
Oxytosin - Chemical released in the brain when you look at pictures of someone who you have had a committed, long term relationship with. Elevated levels have been seen in dogs who have been petted for long periods of time.
Couples, who have high levels of this chemical, solve conflict FASTER.
People who lack this chemical struggle with forming a long term relationship
When you look into the eyes of someone that you like, Oxytosin in the mind is released, a physco active drug that has long term causes of living longer.
* If I had a machine that would make you fall in love with somebody for the rest of your life, what would I charge you to use the machine?
Passionate Love ONLY - This is what we see in new couples today - Where you want to be with that person every minute possible, almost obsessive like. This is also called Limerence - Like waking up early to go get breakfast and missing class to see that person
Men and Women both experience the same levels of passionate love while in a relationship.
Men tend to fall into love, faster and sooner, than women, who tend to be more cautious.
UK Experiment - Compared the feelings of people being told "I love you" for the first time to that of when gamblers win large sums of money,
Hearing I love you is ~ = $267,000
Visualizing the effect money has on a person - Love is democratic, everyone feels it, no matter who you are or how much money you have.
Having more money does not equate to being more happy - Hedonistic treadmill - Getting more money helps with happiness, but only to certain point ($75,000) then money has diminishing returns on how happy it makes you.
Long term, committed relationships - love correlates to living longer.
Life-long pair bonds (a relationship that lasts a lifetime), (long term, compassionate love) - live 15% longer on average (~$30,40,000)
Oxytosin - Chemical released in the brain when you look at pictures of someone who you have had a committed, long term relationship with. Elevated levels have been seen in dogs who have been petted for long periods of time.
Couples, who have high levels of this chemical, solve conflict FASTER.
People who lack this chemical struggle with forming a long term relationship
When you look into the eyes of someone that you like, Oxytosin in the mind is released, a physco active drug that has long term causes of living longer.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Science of Motivation
Science of Motivation (Rethinking how we run our businesses)
Candle Problem from 1945 - Box of thumbtacks, a candle, and matches. You must attach candle to wall so wax doesn't drip onto the table. What do people try to do? (Functional Fixedness - Cognitive bias that limits a person to using an object only in the way that it is traditionally used, or "mental block against using an object in a new way that is required to solve a problem."
Experiment using candle problem (Power of Incentives)
Time how quickly you can solve this problem
1 group - Time you to establish norms, averages, how long it takes for someone to solve problem
1 group -If in top 25% of fastest times, you get $5. If you are the fastest, you get $10.
Took 2nd group three and half minutes longer to solve the problem.
We think "If we want people to work better, we have to reward them". That's not happening here, though.
Mismatch between what science knows and what business does.
If-then rewards eliminates creativity in the workforce.
ROWE (Rewards Only Work Environment) - Higher productivity, lower turnover rate, higher employee satisfaction. Everyone works on their own time, whenever you want. Come and go as you please.
Candle Problem from 1945 - Box of thumbtacks, a candle, and matches. You must attach candle to wall so wax doesn't drip onto the table. What do people try to do? (Functional Fixedness - Cognitive bias that limits a person to using an object only in the way that it is traditionally used, or "mental block against using an object in a new way that is required to solve a problem."
Experiment using candle problem (Power of Incentives)
Time how quickly you can solve this problem
1 group - Time you to establish norms, averages, how long it takes for someone to solve problem
1 group -If in top 25% of fastest times, you get $5. If you are the fastest, you get $10.
Took 2nd group three and half minutes longer to solve the problem.
We think "If we want people to work better, we have to reward them". That's not happening here, though.
Mismatch between what science knows and what business does.
If-then rewards eliminates creativity in the workforce.
ROWE (Rewards Only Work Environment) - Higher productivity, lower turnover rate, higher employee satisfaction. Everyone works on their own time, whenever you want. Come and go as you please.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
This is How Feel
So I'm at work and right now I keep getting so many mixed emotions that it's starting to drive me crazy. Like, one second I can feel very happy and the next I start thinking so negatively that you would think I have some kind of emotional disorder, but thankfully, I don't. I think my biggest problem is that I tend to over think a lot of stuff and that makes my mind analyze more than it's supposed to. I'm hot, I'm cold, I'm hungry, I'm thirsty. Can I never be fully satisfied? Is that what people always ask the world and I'm finally starting to figure out this out? I sure hope not, because I've always been an overall happy person and I would hate to see myself start falling back down the hill after how far I've gotten in my life. I really just think I'm emotionally depressed because of how I've been treated in the past and after awhile, it takes catches up with me. The only two girls I have ever been in love with both screwed me over and now it's just a mind game for me.
I just want to graduate college and find an awesome career job and start making lots of money so I can either get away from North Carolina and start a new life somewhere else, or start a life with someone. I know that probably sounds lame, but it's true.
So for now, I've got my eyes on two girls who I can see something taking off in the near future. If for some reason nothing is able to work with any of them, I'm going to move to a new place after college and try to start a new life
As much as I love North Carolina, I just want to experience more than what I can here. I'm tired of living a normal life - I want to actually have fun and be carefree and not have a care in the world. I feel like right now that I'm not fully able to do that because of so many constraints that are here.
Maybe after I move away, my mind will be more open and free and happiness will finally find me. Lets hope so.
I just want to graduate college and find an awesome career job and start making lots of money so I can either get away from North Carolina and start a new life somewhere else, or start a life with someone. I know that probably sounds lame, but it's true.
So for now, I've got my eyes on two girls who I can see something taking off in the near future. If for some reason nothing is able to work with any of them, I'm going to move to a new place after college and try to start a new life
As much as I love North Carolina, I just want to experience more than what I can here. I'm tired of living a normal life - I want to actually have fun and be carefree and not have a care in the world. I feel like right now that I'm not fully able to do that because of so many constraints that are here.
Maybe after I move away, my mind will be more open and free and happiness will finally find me. Lets hope so.
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