8 Years Later

Gave a girl that I was in love with a ring 8 years ago. I just found out something that literally made my day. Check out the text I got from her today.

"I don't know if you remember, but when it was given to me, I asked what the symbol meant - with two hands to the heart and you said it was Irish for "friendship". Well, mister, I looked it up and it in fact means marriage, not friendship. Lol."

#8YearsLater #MyLifeisComplete

Need a Hand?

Friend: I've been pretty unhappy lately generally.. but these new plans definitely rejuvenated me.

Me: Unhappy about what?

Friend: Eh. Kinda down on myself, missing home & friends, etc etc

Me: If it makes you feel any better, I've been pretty unhappy too, so I guess we can relate. Yes, for same exact reasons.

Friend: Well I wouldn't want you/anyone being unhappy but it does help. I think i'm back in a funk but today i'm feeling lightyears better

Me: I tell my friends and family all the time that I'm doing well, but deep down it's like I want more and want to do more, but I feel like I'm stuck in once place. I know Marissa wouldn't move to NC if I left, and that bothers me, plus like you, I really miss my family, and Daniel. (Like you and Alice.. ) I wake up everyday thinking I'll have an answer, but then the day goes by and it suddenly becomes the next day.

Friend: And you're just smacked in the face with the same routine that you find boring/unfulfilling and generally just sucks.

 

Me: YES. All the way. Should have known you'd be the only person that could put it into perspective for me.

Me: But yes, I never want to be complacent, not at this age at least, and I feel like that's what's happening.

Me: Waking up, feeling 100% happy, looking forward to what's to come, and have ambition and drive to actually go out and do something relevant, that matters, is all we really want to do. Why can't we? It's all we ever talk about - and for some reason - we wake up to do the complete opposite. Something acts as if it's holding us back. I just want to cut the leash off and run!

Friend: My motivation/drive has definitely decreased. Along with my self confidence and such because of it. I've felt very directionless and lost because of it. It's been a little rough.

Me: I remember you experienced this before, too. Interesting, because you're the last person who I would expect to lose self-confidence and motivation, but it does happen to the best of us. Well, I'm glad I can be back somewhat for you to talk to whenever, and that works likewise. I really do value your insight and wisdom. Maybe once you get back to Charlotte, things will get a little better and reality will feel normal once again. I hope so for the both of us!

Friend: I have a lot of hope for us. Just a simple rut and a lot of it is in my mind. I think we have the capability to be great.

Me: I think so too my friend. Everything starts in the mind, and that's the first step in getting out of the rut. Thinking positive, and speaking positive is a start. Also - music therapy helps.  I still think music is the best medicine!

Friend: You're so right. I need to get back to doing things for my soul. The winter doesn't help at all either!!

Me: Feeding soul = Feeding the mind = Feeding happiness. Dopamine is free. That feeling you get when you get chills from hearing a certain song, or hearing something? Free medicine : )

Where's the Motivation?

Friend: It sucks when you stray from your passions/hobbies. I've found myself lost from that as well.

Me: Isn't it though? 2011 I felt was my strongest. I was literally learning every day, and challenging myself to come up with new projects and ideas. You remember that investment dating them I came up with way back when? I still have that. I just wish I could not work, and just learn every day, and travel to share the information.

Friend: Save up and do just that!! I haven't figured out just exactly what I want to do but traveling is in it. I miss valuing learning. I can't even read a book for enjoyment anymore I'm so swamped with other things!!

Me: Truth. Why can't we have our own talk show? Can you imagine!!!!

Friend: That's a life that sounds so amazing yet somehow so unfathomable and it's annoying!!!

Me: Getting paid to talk about stuff. I hate visioning stuff that I know is nearly impossible. Nothing is totally impossible, but for sure out of reach. Oh how the imagination makes you think.

Friend: I HATE IT. You get so attached to the idea/fantasy and then boom. Nothing.

Me: Seriously though. I hate how people like us (and more of them out there) are stuck with these innovative solutions for problems, and visions that can change people’s lives, and we suffer at the bottom. Smart people suffering. Good spirits too. Good minds that let time go by and don't have the power or resources to use it the way that want.

Friend: And a lot of those times all of that turns negative in hate and anger and that SUCKS

Ranking of Favorite Years

Since I posted earlier about why I thought 2008 was my favorite year (personally), I figured I would go ahead and share my top 5 list. It took some deep thinking, but I'm confident in the order!

1. 2008
2. 2012
3. 2011
4. 2007
5. 2013

2008

Reasons why 2008 was MY favorite year, to date...

• My best friend was in a positive relationship
• I was dating my high school crush after months of chasing!
• The Carolina Panthers were dominant, and went to the playoffs
• I turned 18, finally!
• I got promoted to be a manager at the car wash I worked at
• Moved into a new house
• Had a pretty big social group
• Grades in school were at an all-time high
• Found out I was accepted to UNC Charlotte!
• Had ZERO depression or anxiety
• Had no debt

Temptation versus the Heart

The year was 2008 - Nearly 7 years ago. I landed my first girlfriend. She was everything I ever dreamed of in a girl. Blonde hair to the shoulders, a smile that gave you butterflies, and a kind-hearted spirit that would do anything and everything for you.

The year was 2006 - Nearly 9 years ago. I fell in love with a girl that only wanted to be my friend, and nothing more. Time and time again, I would bring up the idea of being together. It never happened. I began to lose faith in myself and my self confidence plummeted. I felt like there was something that I could do to impress her that would make her like me. I wish I would have known that it's impossible to force someone to like you.

The girl that never gave me a chance built up hatred for my girlfriend. Maybe it was jealously, or maybe it was  that my time was no longer spent around her finger.

Times were great. I was very happy with my girlfriend felt like I was living a real life fairy tale. We would sneak out of class to give each other a kiss, and would sit in the car all night listening to music. Life was simple, and so were we.

No more than 2 months into the relationship, the girl who never gave me a chance decides to pop back up in my life, telling me that she'd be with me if I chose to leave my girlfriend. The spark was lit, and I became overwhelmed with nostalgia. Memories kept appearing in my mind, and I suddenly found myself missing her and yearning for her attention and love.

I gave up my girlfriend, only to find out it was only to get me away from her. I gave up my girlfriend to be with someone who had falsified their intentions. My girlfriend became sad and angry, and I became sad, angry and single. There was no going back. There was no second chance. There was no more her.

The year was 2015 - Present time. I sit here, looking at these two girls. One being my ex-girlfriend, and the other being the one that never gave me the chance. They both got pregnant and had children. Looking through old pictures and letters from the girl that never gave me a chance doesn't and hasn't phased me for quite some time. But, seeing pictures and letters from the girl I once dated saddens me. She pops up in my dreams at night, and appears in my mind randomly throughout the day.

Why?

Why did I make that decision in 2008? What would life have been like? Would we have been typical high school sweethearts that get married and live a happy life?

I wish I knew that answer.

Flashback

You know, I might have taken for granted a friendship from back in the day, but I really do miss them. The endless nights of staying up, talking on the phone for hours, about anything and everything. The fact that I could have an intellectual conversation with this girl about politics, health, science, history just amazes me. It's no surprise that I had feelings for her. How can you not? Someone that really understands your drive and your ambition and wants to be a part of it. That person sees your vision and wants the best for you. You add that with the feelings of attraction you have for them - it creates this amazing feeling of attachment. But, wanting what you can't have is dangerous and can mess your mind up. Did feelings get in the way? Probably. But, it was good while it lasted. Really good. #JH

What I Want in a Girl VS What I Don't Want

I've had my fair share of fun and know what it feels like to have lust for someone and to have sincere feelings as well. There is a big difference, but in the end, I don't want someone that I can fantasize over - I want someone who wants me to be better, to do better, and to never stop trying. Here is a brief look at what I want in a girl, versus what I don't want.

What I DO Want:

• Intellect: Not only being smart, but the ability to express it in a variety of ways.
• Communication Skills: I want someone that I can talk to for an hour about health, politics, feelings, or world events.
• Ambition/Drive: Confidence is everything. Never stop trying. I want a girl that wants more and more and will never give up on her career or dreams.
• Creativity: Be creative, be innovative. Think outside the box.
• Passion for Music: I don't care what genre, just any type of music. Feel it. Love it. Share it. Talk about it. Music, to me, is everything.
• Respect: Respect me and what I like to do, and I will return the favor. Don't judge me or my habits.

What I DON'T Want:

• Laziness: If something needs attention, don't put it off. Fix it. If the trash is full, and I come home from work and you're on the couch watching TV all day, I know there's time to take it out.
• No Drive: Don't get complacent. I don't want someone who is okay with average or is just okay with what we have. I want to be successful and that means always pushing to be better.
• Too Much Intimacy: I don't want to cuddle every hour of every day. I need to breathe. It's okay to cuddle and watch a movie and stuff, but when I get home from work, I want to get dressed and make dinner. Not just jump right into a cuddle session!
• Insecurity: Look, no one wants to be mislead and no one wants to be cheated on. But, we are humans and we all have friends. Just because I have a few female friends that are just friends doesn't mean I am secretly talking to them behind your back. Trust is huge, and it goes both ways.

I don't worry too much about either category, but it's definitely a good thing if someone does possess more of the WANTS than the DON'TS!

The Struggle

The past is always there, calling my name, wanting me to give into the temptation to reach out to those who did me wrong, or never gave me the time of day. The thought process the mind goes through when it wants to achieve something it couldn't do before. Maybe things have changed? Or, just maybe, we have witnessed or been through more situations that will help us achieve that unknown. We're always going to be stuck wondering "what if" for all those moments we couldn't get what we wanted.

Feeling Lost

So, now what? It's been a year since graduating college. I look back at my 4 year journey and it makes me sad because of all the good times and memories I created. The fun adventures of working in the Student Union with all my friends, and watching movies with them in the Movie Theater. Literally, those were the best years of my life, no doubt.

I just look back at it, and now I realize what everyone talks about. You know, living in the moment. Like, not wanting to rush through life and taking what you have in front of you and making the most of it. Yeah, I see it now and I regret some things. It's almost like I wanted to grow up too fast. I think it was my junior year in college that I wanted to rush things so I could hurry up and graduate. I wanted to graduate fast, get out, get a high paying job, make lots of money, and live that big fancy life.

Well, that's not the case of what really happened. I graduated in December 2013. So, 2014, to me, had such high expectations. I wanted to do the impossible. I wanted to make my family and friends proud. I wanted to prove to them and myself that I was meant to be here and that I could make something of myself.

In 2014, I ended up living in 3 different states and holding 6 different jobs. The word of the year was unstable. I went to Disney after college to make minimum wage to pursue dreams of my Disney Career. I ended up leaving Disney for Avis Budget Group in Orlando. Then I left there and moved back to North Carolina in the Summer. I felt lost. I didn't know what I wanted. Then, in late fall, I moved to Michigan to be with my now, girlfriend. I'm still lost.

I miss North Carolina. I miss my old friends. I miss my family. I miss my old lifestyle. I miss doing what makes me happy. But, if there's one thing I have learned in the last year, it's this - The grass isn't always greener on the other side. And, please, believe me. It is not. I promise.

As of now, it's January 2015. I'm working in a call center answering phone calls all day, making a wage that in no way meets my expectations for having a 4 year Business degree.

What do I do? Do I quit and go back to North Carolina? Do I stick with it and stay in Michigan? I don't know what to do, but I guess time will tell.

Hopefully things get better, soon.