You Have to Realize

Her: I do have feelings for you, but I just don't know how to act on them.

Me: I know you have a boyfriend and all, but I just don't feel like you want to pursue anything or risk anything. It's a shame because I really do care for you more than you could ever know.

Her: It's not that. I don't want to cheat again, so I don't say anything about me and you. I want to wait til everything plans out. I'm  not scared, you just gotta understand it's not that easy.

The Truth

Me: You say til everything plans out... What is there to plan out? You don't ever do anything about it. I mean, I just don't know what your plans are.

Her: It's gonna take time. I want to be single before we talk more about it. It's just hard to talk about it when I'm with Phil. I want to see what happens.

Me: I feel you, I just don't know what to do. I really do care for you in more ways then you know. Like, I feel like I could give you the world on some days. I don't wanna give up but at the same time, you having doubts scares me.

Her: You're sweet.

Me: These feelings are stronger than I could have imagined. I feel like you're the answer to everything. I hug you, and don't wanna let go. Never. I just wanna hold you forever. All those feelings - I don't wanna loose them. I've honestly never felt this way before about anymore and I know that sounds like a lie coming from me, but it's not. It's hard to explain. It's always been there. Now it's on fire and the flame can't be put out.

Her: Awwww, I don't know what to say.

Me: I don't know what to say, either.

Her: Ahhhhh

Blame Me. I Don't Care

I don't think I can do this anymore. I want to let go and forget I even tried to make this work. I'm sure if I gave it a lot of time and energy, it would be worth it - but I just simply don't want to. I feel like I'm not making any progress by trying to make her be with me because in reality, we all know that can't happen. You can't make someone be with you nor force them to change how you feel. She has a boyfriend, and yet she has feelings for me to. Call me the bad guy if you want, but I'm not the one to fully blame for this. I'm not saying it's her fault, but I definitely don't want to put the blame on myself anymore. In the past few weeks, I've gone out of my way to flatter her, do things for her, and do everything I could to make her laugh and have a good time. I'm trying to show her that I care. She tells me I'm sweet and thoughtful and that I would be such a good boyfriend to her, yet does absolutely nothing to fix the situation.

Enough with Waiting

Again, here I am and I swear this is starting to become a ever growing trend in my life. I don't want to wait. Maybe that sounds selfish of me, but I've already wasted nearly 4 years of my life waiting on one girl that never worked out. I mean, I'm out. I'm not doing it anymore. Life is to short to just waste time away like that. This new girl, I like her and all and she is really amazing. I've known her for years and we've always been close to one another. Although she has feelings for me and already agreed to the fact of wanting to be with me, she still has a boyfriend. And for the past 5-6 months, she keeps telling me "time, Christian.. time". I mean, okay, after a month that's fine. I don't mind giving someone space. But, I really am starting to feel like this is heading in the same direction as before. I've been here before. I know what to do but yet I just don't want to do it. What I want to do is keep waiting and hope that something happens and she will magically appear and be like, "okay! I'm ready". But in reality, what I need to do is quit waiting. Tell her sorry, and move on. The pain that I will suffer from doing this now will be less than that of what I would suffer if I keep on waiting for her to finally come to her senses about being with me.

What I've Learned in Relationships

Based off of a 4 year relationship, 4 month relationship, and 2 month relationship. Also based on numerous of non dating relationships. Learned a lot, even in the short relationships.

1. Don't be afraid to be emotional and creative. A big reason why I am highly creative today is because it was appreciated back then. I made my own anniversary cards/gifts. You have to think outside the box.

2. Don't ruin the moment. If you realize you're in a "moment", everything that you're supposed to do in that time frame can wait. Don't ruin a moment because you need to get home before a certain time, or your phone is ringing. Moments are hard to come by so gain everything you can from it.

3. Don't give up what you already have for something you think is better. I did this and it was a huge mistake. Instead, be glad of what you already have in front of you. The only reason why you think there is something better is because it's new to you. Don't believe the hype. Find different ways to make what you currently have more interesting, and do things you haven't done before.

4. To get what you've never had, you got to do what you've never done. It's amazing how so much can change with only a few minor changes in how you do things. Change your attitude, views, dress, preferences, and I guarantee you find noticeable differences in your life. You don't have to change everything, but at least change something. In order to get change, you have to change your views first.

5. Don't say too much in one night. My dad tried to always force this in my head. Every time I went on a date and noticed how flattered a girl was, I would give her more and more and more til eventually, it just got old. You don't want to do this. As my dad would say, save some for another day because you're not getting married overnight. Flatter the person you're with, just not all at one time.

6. Intelligence shows a lot. I'm not just saying this because I'm a college student. I have noticed a huge difference with this. Girls that are up to date with basic news (gas prices, war, presidential candidates...) have far more going for them. I'm not being biased, I'm just being real. I consider myself to be a future successor, meaning I want to make it big one day. If I get married, or have a long term partner, she doesn't have to be a nerd, but she definitely needs to be intellectual.

7. Don't get into a routine. Most people, including myself, get used to doing the same things over and over. Maybe it's calling at the same time every night, listening to the same songs over and over, eating lunch at the same diner. Switch it up sometimes. BE SPONTANEOUS by all means! Don't be afraid to take chances. One thing I remember being a neat idea was taking a random beach trip in the middle of night. Do what you can with the resources you have at your disposal.

At This Moment

She is constantly on my mind. No matter what I do to distract myself from the incoming thoughts of her, she always pops up at the most random of times. Why does this always seem to the problem with me? I try to never let myself get to this breaking point, you know, and I always tell myself to not let my emotions get the best of me. Yet, every time someone comes into my life, this is the outcome. This time, however, is different. This isn't just an ordinary girl. This is a girl that I've had and lost numerous of times. One day she is in my life, the next day she doesn't exist. The roller coaster of emotions seems to play a toll in the stability of my mind. Is there a way to control it? I really think there is one option, and simply put, that is to just let everything play out. I really think the biggest reason for this, right now, is because of the excitement I get from thinking of past experiences and combining those with thoughts of what the future could be like. Don't get me wrong, though, because this is by far not a complaint. It's simply an open minded message of how I feel, and right now I feel great. Sure, maybe if she was single things would be better and easier, but where's the hope and faith that I'm so critically known for? A lot of people look at me as being the one with all the passion, determination, and patience when it comes to this kind of stuff. I can't fail myself now, right? At the same time, when is it time to stop trying? We all know from my past that I spent numerous of years chasing after one person and ultimately ended up being a waste of time considering the outcome of her pregnancy (not mine). I think what I have to tell myself this go around is that this girl is different, and far from that of what I have had in my past. Unlike the other immature girls that I have to put up with, this girl actually matured faster than what I expected. She took the time to research what was needed to pursue an education, and actually became a store manager at her place of employment. In high school, I remember she used to have that typical teenage attitude of "I don't ever have to do this or that" because people would always give her what she wanted. I guess she found out somewhere down the road that life doesn't work that way. I'm proud of her to say the least. She exceeded my expectations and has become a girl that I see worthy of possibly spending a lot of time together with. The ball is in her court, and I believe she knows that. At this moment, she knows how I feel and what I want. And at this moment, she knows I'm thinking of  her.

An Old Flame

Recently, I've been becoming closer to someone with whom I had a past with. This isn't just some ordinary past, however, this is a past that involved ruined friendships, untold secrets, and regrets. Although this may sound haunting, it's actually becoming a good thing. This girl, who will stay unnamed, is one of the few that can keep me laughing constantly throughout the day and knows exactly what I'm thinking most of the time. Spending the past three days together, we've come to realize that our maturity as people has increased significantly since previous close encounters years ago. They say people change with time, and in that time, we are able to learn from our mistakes. "You guys are gonna get married one day, I just know it" her friend privately told me yesterday. "She's practically in love with you but she just won't admit it to herself."
This isn't really shocking considering the strength of our bond we had in the past. We were never able to have a relationship due to many factors that were mainly beyond our control. Now, years have passed, and we have both had time to better ourselves and achieve greater things than we could have at that previous point in time.
The downfall? She remains taken. She has been with the same guy for nearly four years now. It may sound like an awesome thing to those on the outside looking in, but in reality, it's not as great as it sounds. Through many short breakups, trust issues, and arguing, their relationship has been very unstable in the recent times, going back to only last year.
I don't plan on doing anything or acting on anything that would ruin their relationship, nor would I force myself to do whatever it took to do so. However, I do know that her feelings towards me can't be hidden, and that will remain an issue for her. You can't hide from your feelings forever, so eventually, she will have to face reality and make a decision. In all honestly, I hate the fact of knowing I'm the main cause of a breakup, but at the same time, I know it wouldn't be a mistake either. I'm very capable of treating someone right and doing everything possible to ensure the strength of a relationship. I mean, there is a reason why she already has feelings for me, so I guess all I do now is wait.

She Made it

Samantha graduated high school today. I still haven't seen or spoke to her in months, but yet I still feel quite at ease knowing she is well off. Although the ending was rough between Samantha and I, I'm glad to know she didn't give up. I remember when when we first started dating, I was falling behind in my college courses. She was there to help and pick me up - to better myself and to ensure that I was doing my absolute best. Without her help, guidance, and encouragement, I wouldn't have made it through some of the roughest times. Considering that we may never see each other again, I still hope that she achieves some of the greatest things in life and gets everything she deserves.

Let's Just be Friends

It’s another cold, calm night. There hasn’t been any communication with no one since the infamous text earlier in the week. Why is it so hard to swallow the truth? Sometimes, it feels better to paint a fictional picture in my mind to help overcome the negativity of this situation. I’ve been here before, though, and experienced this so there is no reason why I should be letting it get to me the way it is. Honestly, I’m ashamed. In reality, I though I taught myself better than this – you know, learning from my mistakes? What happened to all the times I told myself I was going to master my mistakes and make better decisions and judgments? It’s not April, but I do feel like a fool. Right when I was starting to achieve some really great things in life and gaining some of that much needed confidence back. Obviously, my life isn’t a perfect track record. There have been so many times where so many great things happen at once, followed by one substantial mistake that leads me down yet another dark and lonely path.

Perception

She sits there, and reads through all of my personal writings about my past at my discretion. I allow her to openly read them to give her a better understanding of my emotions and who I am as a person. Some of what she read goes into substantial detail about the way I act on my feelings in certain situations. Many people don't believe that, at heart, I'm a hopeless romantic. I try to not show it as much as possible because of all the pain and agony I've suffered over the years. I prefer to keep that in a dark place within me and only elaborate on it to the people I feel like would take it to heart. How will she view me, or will she think of my differently? She doesn't have any idea that I'm starting to develop feelings for her, but when the time comes that I inform her that I do, what will she remember about what she read? Will she have this perception of me of being someone who could be another good friend, or relationship material? I'm sick and tired of some of the most amazing girls I would love to get to know on a relationship level tell me that they would prefer to be friends. It's not that I don't mind being friends, but I don't want to ever be stuck in that zone. I want to be able to know that at any point in time deeper feelings can develop. There is something different about this girl, and it's very hard to explain. I see many ways that we are different, and there are some ways that we relate. Overall, I love her calmness and integrity. She is sometimes quiet, which leads me on a mystery road. What is she hiding? Has she ever been hurt before, and how bad? Does she know how it feels to have your heart completely ripped out? These are questions that I would love to know but feel as if the time isn't right yet to ask. It's only been a couple of weeks that we started to talk a lot more, and if there is one thing from my past that I've learned - it's that you do not want to share to much information in a short period of time. My father has always told me to save some for another day. I have tendencies to rush things and most of my problems with finding a good relationship is because girls get pushed away from this. I'm hoping that this time can be different. I want to at least have hope that maybe she will finally be able to understand me in ways that no other has before. What if she ended up being that hopeless romantic like me, and I just don't know it yet? That would simply be amazing.

Feeding off old Emotions

There is this girl, who will remain unnamed. Suddenly, I have randomly developed some sort of deeper attachment towards her. I constantly have the urge to want to be be wherever she is and engage in conversations about anything. Oddly, this is someone who I never would have imagined I would feel like this towards. She's always been an acquaintance - another friend, another person to just talk to in the day. Then, about two weeks ago, we started talking a lot more in person. It would be about the most random things. Classes, work, aspirations, and more. The fairy tale thing about it all, though, is the simple fact that every time she looked me in my eyes, talking about whatever it was, I looked right back in her eyes. For seconds, I was lost - lost in a moment where I didn't know what I was feeling or why I was feeling it. It felt as if I was connecting with some part of her in a way that I don't really think I have before. It's a new emotion that I've discovered and quite frankly it's impressive. I'm very curious to see how this ends up playing out.

Saying Sorry

"You don't have to apologize."

I know I don't - but I never did, for anything. I hate admitting I'm wrong. I'm competitive, and determined. I hate making mistakes. And all the mistakes I made with you I didn't want to face the truth and admit it to myself. I can't remember the last time I told someone I was wrong. You're the first in a long time. I don't want to ever ruin my character nor let my emotions outplay my intelligence. It's not right, and out of all people, you didn't need any of it the negativity that I brought upon our friendship.

Fixing What You Broke

There was a time in my life, during high school, where I honestly thought I found the girl of my dreams. Call me crazy since nearly everyone says they found "the one" during those times, but I really did. Words can not even begin to express the feeling of happiness and contentment I felt when I was around her. Whether it was sitting in my car listening to music, or lying on the couch watching a movie, every minute spent with her was breathtaking. Then, something happened. A girl from my past that never gave me a chance finally saw me happy and it made her jealous. For days and weeks, she tried to pull me away from being happy and I had to fight the temptation. For the record, I never cheated on my girlfriend at the time. Because the temptation got the best of me, I decided the break up with my girlfriend to be with the girl I always wanted to be with. Sadly, that was a poor decision. That girl, the one that pushed me with this temptation, just wanted to see if I would actually break up with my girlfriend, which left me alone and heart broke.
The worst part about the whole situation was that prior to me and my girlfriend dating, there was a stretch where she wouldn't give me a chance because she didn't trust me. She knew about my past with that girl and she knew the severity of emotional conflict I went through with her. Enough time passed, however, that I finally earned her trust.
So, when I broke up with her for the exact reason why she didn't want to trust me in the first place is detrimental. Since she was my first serious girlfriend, the first girl I really loved, and feeling so guilty over my mistake, I spent nearly 2 years trying to apologize and attempting to make things better in every way I could. It never worked.
I pushed, I crawled, and bent over backwards to go out of my way to prove my worth but yet the pain I caused her was so deep, that no progress ever got made. I honestly know that I have myself to blame for that. Every single bit of blame is on me, and no one else.
Since then, the girl that caused me the temptation is moved far across the state with a 2 year old baby and a fiance. My ex-girlfriend lives in a different state and we haven't talked in nearly a year. Also, if you believe in karma, my last girlfriend, Samantha, cheated on me. Since my first girlfriend, Sam was the last person I trusted my life and heart with. She did to me the same exact thing I did to my first girlfriend, minus the cheating. Now, I know the feeling. I know how it feels to have your heart ripped out of your chest. The pain and agony is so bad that it causes you to become emotionally unstable. I never meant for any of this happen and if only I was able to go back and time and make different decisions, I would. But, in reality, we can't. I can't. No one can fix anything in the past. The past is the past for a reason and all we can really do is move on and learn from our mistakes.
I will not lie, though. There are plenty of days that go by that I still think about her, my first girlfriend. I try to not think about the bad times, but the good times. The times we spent smiling together, singing our favorite songs, spending time at the beach, and more. Looking back now, I realize those were indeed the happiest times of my life. I have learned from my mistakes, greatly, and I hope to never make the same mistakes again. Cheers to 01.13.08

1 Hour

Samantha called me the other night, exactly at 10:00pm. When the phone rang, and I saw her name pop up on my phone screen, I felt my heart skip a beat, literally. I let it ring twice, maybe three times, before I answered it. It almost felt as if I was stuck in a moment between reality and a undiscovered dream that maybe I was intended on finding.

An Old Fling

It's bad feeling when you end up falling for someone who is taken.