Message to All

For all of the people that have done me wrong, thank you, and God bless you. I really hope that you get to learn later on in life that the way you interact with people is substandard and needs major repair. All my life, all I have done is been there through the good and the bad to better help people get through their lives and to provide mental and emotional support whenever it was needed. Time and time again I have been used, played, cheated on, and most of all, hurt. They say time heals everything and it really does. It hurts to have lost so many important people that have made a positive impact on my life, but as Tupac said "if you can make it though the night, there's a brighter day". At the end of the day, I know that the decisions I make and the people I come in contact with are both 100% truthful to the fullest measure. Also, for all the people that continue to make threats at me, and try to bring failure to my face, God bless you too. I've gotten where I am today because of qualities that you lack and maybe if you spent less time judging other people and worried more about the problems that arise in your life, you might be somewhere better than where you currently are. Let this be a lesson to each and everyone of you. I'm going to do what I want to do, and I'm going to do that until the day that I die, and if I can't do that then I'll just die.

The Three Factors

It's hard to swallow the fact that someone who once cared for you so much and was in your life everyday, helping you with your struggles, is no longer apart of your life. This doesn't have to always be related to someone who you were once in a relationship with, but it can old friends as well. In the past year, I've lost my girlfriend, and my best male friend, and my best female friend. A lot of people might look at this as something being wrong with me, or maybe I did something to deserve it? Well, honestly, I didn't. All I have tried to do my entire life is stand up for what I believe in. My two biggest methods of living life is to love hard, and work hard. My best male friend and I recently went our separate ways due to financial obligations that surrounded us in an apartment we shared. I have faith that this will work itself out, but it goes to show you what money can do to people. My best female friend and I departed in March 2010. Granted, she was my best friend, I actually was in love with her for four years still waiting to get my chance. Well, she randomly called me one day in May and told me she was pregnant with someone else's child. They both live their lives, together, with their child. My recent girlfriend, who I started dating in February, cheated on me. I had to find out for myself. It turns out while she was dating me, she was also lurking around with other men without me knowing. The same day that I found out she was cheating on me was the same night she went to some guys high school prom.

These three people meant everything to me. Now, here I am, a full time college student with nothing but textbooks and a little bit of cash, and I have no one. Sure, I have a lot of people that I consider associates around school, but I lost the three most important people of life, excluding family. How do you overcome this? Like, you try to make yourself feel better by saying that things will eventually work itself out in time, but will it? When I lost Jessica, I was really down but I tried to keep confidence within me to know everything would be alright. Then I lost Samantha. This even caused me a Boxer's Fracture on my right hand because I let out my anger on a brick wall. This ended me up with over $1,000.00 in hospitals and doctor fees. After I lost her, I had no one to really go to. But, at the end of the day, I knew I would always have my main best friend, and he was also someone I considered my brother. Over time, I started to feel a little better. Now, I don't even have him. I am left with nothing.
All I really to lean on now are my memories, and writing. I really do think that my memories are what really keeps me sane. I try to not worry about it, but after being hurt time and time again, it does something to you. I know there has to be other guys in this world that can know what I'm going through. In reality, it sucks because I know a lot of guys that just have fun, get lots of girls, and don't worry about anything. The thing with me, though, is I actually care. I consider myself to be a hopeless romantic, and this ends up biting me in the end. Is it that I care to much? But if I cared too less, that would be bad right? Or would it? I don't ever want to change who I am to please others, because honestly I am happy with who I am and what I've done over my 20 years of living and know that I have worked very hard to get where I am today. My parents always told me that because of my mind and maturity that I was going to end up settling down with someone who is older than me. Either way, I don't even want to know what the future has in store for me when it comes to relationships. All I know at this very moment is that I need to graduate college and keep on living my dream to the best of my ability. As soon as you see my train coming, feel free to hop on or hop off. Either way, I know where I am going and I could really care less who comes aboard.

What I Miss

The random kisses throughout the day
Driving listening to her sing her lungs out
Cuddling in the bed watching movies
Surprising her and seeing her smile
When she would lay her head on lap while I drove
Our Lil Wayne Battles in the car
Being close with her family
Being able to bring a girl home
Feeling content
Feeling happy 24/7
The late night phone calls
The I Love You's
When she would call me baby
Fighting and making up
My focus
My drive
My optimism
My overall health
Not smoking because I quit for her!
Feeling wanted
Having someone to talk to
Knowing someone loved me for who I really was
Someone having faith in me

Most of all... her

Words of Advice

"You'll be OK, Christian. You just be you and keep striving to be the best you can physically, spiritually, emotionally, and professionally.

Just remember that "like attracts like." So if you're positive, educated, healthy, and happy, you'll attract someone just like that! If you're moody, judgmental, angry or whatever, then you'll attract that.

And don't force happiness or you'll end up exhausting yourself. Seek out the people, places, and things that make you happy and fill you up!"


- Alex :)

College Students and Love

10,000 college students in California were surveyed the following two questions.

1.) Have you ever been rejected by someone you were in love with?
2.) Have you ever dumped someone who was in love with you?

Studies show that 95% of the students answered "YES" to both of these questions.

Interestingly, love is not as theatrical as people think it is.

Interesting Love Facts I Learned

I just watched a few videos from www.ted.com and there was a woman who studies neuroscience that gave a lot of information about love and the effects it has on the brain. Here are a few of the notes that I took from watching.

54% of writers are female
91% of American Woman and 86% of American Men would NOT marry someone who had every single quality they were looking for in someone if they were not in love with them.

Keys to an attraction include (Timing, Proximity, Mystery)

The brain, dealing with love, has 3 different areas. (Lust, Romantic Love, Attachment)
The reason why humans get attached to someone after making love, or sex, is because when you have an orgasm, you brain "sprays" a chemical called dopamine on the area of your brain that is in charge of your attachment.

When you take anti-depressants over long periods of times, here's what really happens in a simple description.
When you take an anti-depressant, your Serotonin levels increase, and your dopamine levels decrease, which decreases a person's sex drive. In turn, that takes away from the increased levels of attachment you receive when you reach an orgasm.

The End of a Fairy Tale

So, it's been quite some time that I updated this blog and here is the reason why. Ever since the breakup I went through with Samantha, it's been hard for me to write about how I feel. So, in turn, I feel somewhat at ease now to inform everyone as to what happened.

It was May 9 - Our anniversary, and even at this time, the road had been getting bumpy for quite some time. Well, the good person that I am threw away all the negativity behind me only to ensure she got a fantastic day out of this. I went to Wal-Mart and spent about an hour deciding on what kind of gift I wanted to get her. After narrowing it down to a few solid choices, I decided to go with a sterling silver necklace that had a heart dangling from it with four small diamonds engraved on the heart. I put it on my credit card, and to kill two birds with one stone, got a card as well.

I couldn't get a hold of her at all that morning and I had class about an hour or so after I left Wal-Mart. So, I decided to stop by her house in hopes that maybe she would be there. I pulled up, the three dogs started barking loudly, and didn't think no one was home. I walked to the front door only to be greeted by her mother. I explained to her about Samantha and how the lack of communication had been getting worse and that I didn't know where she was at. Well, her mother told me that she had just left to go to the gym with one of her friends. (Which makes me question why she wouldn't answer her phone if she had been up)
 I gave the card and the gift box to her mom and requested she put both of them on Samantha's bed, preferbaly with the card leaning up against the box to make for a good display!

Time went on that day and I began to focus more on the classes I had to attend to that day. I got back to my dorm room at about 8:30pm (had a late class) and still hadn't heard anything from Samantha. As usual when I come back from class, I hop on Facebook to see what's going on with my friends and such. This is where the story gets heated up.

I came across, on her profile, where she had recently became friends with one of her ex's. I had remembered his name from prior power talks we used to have about our pasts. Well, even though he isn't my friend, I was still able to look at his information only because he had it set to public.

The very first thing I saw when I went to his profile was his initials and Samantha's initials as a post that had been made about an hour before I saw it. I scrolled down to see another post where he stated he was glad he got to see his "babygirl" today. A few comments from his friends insisted to know who that certain someone was, and he replied back to them and said "Samantha Price".

I immediately storm out of my room and to the elevators. Impatiently waiting on the elevator to get to the seventh floor, I violently punched the wall which would eventually end up being a "Boxer's Fracture" that I had to have minor surgery on. I get down to the entrance of my dormitory, and part of the staff that knew me obviously saw me shaking in panic and tried to comfort me with words the best they could. I briefly gave them the run down of what had happened, and they were at a loss of words.

I get outside, light a cigarette, and trying to cool down, I decide to text Samantha and instead of calling her to prevent me saying anything out of the way that might lead me into some trouble. I texted her and said "You're cheating on me?". (Note: She hadn't replied to anything from me ALL DAY). About five minutes later, my phone had an incoming text and sure enough, it was from Samantha. She replied "No. Why would you think that?". That made me even more furious because I knew that she was intentionally trying to hide it. Not knowing what to say, I don't say anything for the next five to ten minutes. Impatient and confused, Samantha calls me demanding to know "what the hell is going on". I cut her off, and for about three minutes, I'm constantly just throwing out everything that I saw and read at her while at the same time, cutting her off from trying to interrupt what I was saying. She eventually calmed me down (minimally might I add) and got me to talk to her on a calmer level. She admitted that she agreed to be "cool" with him and that was it. She also stated that he was "obsessive, and sometimes a creeper" when it came to her and he would say anything he could to make himself believe that. Gullible, I believed about 70% of what she told me and decided to let it rest and let everything just sink in.

While still on the phone with her, I randomly asked her if she had gotten the gifts that I dropped off for her. Curious, she stated that she didn't know what I was talking about. I told her to look on her bed and there would be a card and a little gift box for our anniversary. She got quiet, but in the background, I could hear her opening the card by the ripping of the envelope. I could hear her quietly reading what I wrote her and as she said thank you, pulled out the the necklace from the box and said "Oh my God. I feel like such a bitch". I replied to her and said "Yeah, I bet so". It felt good to hear her say that because a part of me wanted to realize that she really did feel bad and had quickly learned her lesson. Romantically, I pour out my heart to her about how much I care for her and how much I was scared she was going to leave me, hurt me, and/or cheat on me and that I was shaking so bad that I was on the edge of wanting to go to the emergency room. After all that, she remained quiet, and I could her a few sniffles in the background. I demanded that I wanted to come over right then and see her, even if it was for a few seconds. She quickly shot that down. I tried asking over and over and finally she gave in and said "You can come get a hug and then you can leave because I'm tired and don't feel good". I drove to her house (about 1 minute from campus) pulled up, got out of the car, walked up to the gate and she came out. Without any words being exchanged, we hugged, and she just turned around to head back inside. I said "I love you?". I got no reply. I went back to my dorm, and laid in bed, questioning myself as to what was going on.

The next morning I woke up and felt somewhat better, but still had a massive headache. I did my morning routine of checking my Facebook, only to find that Samantha's no longer existed. I found it quite odd, so I checked her ex's Facebook for some odd reason is his no longer existed either. Confused, I had my friend log on to his to see if she was still on there, and sure enough she was. I texted her and asked her why I couldn't find her on Facebook and she said" I deleted it because I'm tired of all the drama."

A few days of pain from my fractured right hand and too much studying and heart pain, I decided to drive to Samantha's sisters house to vent about everything. Luckily, Samantha's sister, Laura, and her husband, John, appreciated me enough as a person and to this day still stay in touch with me. I walked in, grabbed a seat, and got a cold beer and began telling everything to them. Sadly, a lot of what I was telling them, they turned right around and proved me wrong and told me what really happened. What did I learn from this? I'm not the first person Samantha has done this to. She was described to me as a "con-artist" and was very smart about erasing her tracks, per say.

As of this day, Samantha has blocked me from nearly every single form of communication possible. From what I've learned from her friends and people that know her, she is doing the SAME exact thing she did to all the ones before me, and including me, to a new guy who is sadly going down the path of a eternal redemption.