At This Moment

She is constantly on my mind. No matter what I do to distract myself from the incoming thoughts of her, she always pops up at the most random of times. Why does this always seem to the problem with me? I try to never let myself get to this breaking point, you know, and I always tell myself to not let my emotions get the best of me. Yet, every time someone comes into my life, this is the outcome. This time, however, is different. This isn't just an ordinary girl. This is a girl that I've had and lost numerous of times. One day she is in my life, the next day she doesn't exist. The roller coaster of emotions seems to play a toll in the stability of my mind. Is there a way to control it? I really think there is one option, and simply put, that is to just let everything play out. I really think the biggest reason for this, right now, is because of the excitement I get from thinking of past experiences and combining those with thoughts of what the future could be like. Don't get me wrong, though, because this is by far not a complaint. It's simply an open minded message of how I feel, and right now I feel great. Sure, maybe if she was single things would be better and easier, but where's the hope and faith that I'm so critically known for? A lot of people look at me as being the one with all the passion, determination, and patience when it comes to this kind of stuff. I can't fail myself now, right? At the same time, when is it time to stop trying? We all know from my past that I spent numerous of years chasing after one person and ultimately ended up being a waste of time considering the outcome of her pregnancy (not mine). I think what I have to tell myself this go around is that this girl is different, and far from that of what I have had in my past. Unlike the other immature girls that I have to put up with, this girl actually matured faster than what I expected. She took the time to research what was needed to pursue an education, and actually became a store manager at her place of employment. In high school, I remember she used to have that typical teenage attitude of "I don't ever have to do this or that" because people would always give her what she wanted. I guess she found out somewhere down the road that life doesn't work that way. I'm proud of her to say the least. She exceeded my expectations and has become a girl that I see worthy of possibly spending a lot of time together with. The ball is in her court, and I believe she knows that. At this moment, she knows how I feel and what I want. And at this moment, she knows I'm thinking of  her.

An Old Flame

Recently, I've been becoming closer to someone with whom I had a past with. This isn't just some ordinary past, however, this is a past that involved ruined friendships, untold secrets, and regrets. Although this may sound haunting, it's actually becoming a good thing. This girl, who will stay unnamed, is one of the few that can keep me laughing constantly throughout the day and knows exactly what I'm thinking most of the time. Spending the past three days together, we've come to realize that our maturity as people has increased significantly since previous close encounters years ago. They say people change with time, and in that time, we are able to learn from our mistakes. "You guys are gonna get married one day, I just know it" her friend privately told me yesterday. "She's practically in love with you but she just won't admit it to herself."
This isn't really shocking considering the strength of our bond we had in the past. We were never able to have a relationship due to many factors that were mainly beyond our control. Now, years have passed, and we have both had time to better ourselves and achieve greater things than we could have at that previous point in time.
The downfall? She remains taken. She has been with the same guy for nearly four years now. It may sound like an awesome thing to those on the outside looking in, but in reality, it's not as great as it sounds. Through many short breakups, trust issues, and arguing, their relationship has been very unstable in the recent times, going back to only last year.
I don't plan on doing anything or acting on anything that would ruin their relationship, nor would I force myself to do whatever it took to do so. However, I do know that her feelings towards me can't be hidden, and that will remain an issue for her. You can't hide from your feelings forever, so eventually, she will have to face reality and make a decision. In all honestly, I hate the fact of knowing I'm the main cause of a breakup, but at the same time, I know it wouldn't be a mistake either. I'm very capable of treating someone right and doing everything possible to ensure the strength of a relationship. I mean, there is a reason why she already has feelings for me, so I guess all I do now is wait.

She Made it

Samantha graduated high school today. I still haven't seen or spoke to her in months, but yet I still feel quite at ease knowing she is well off. Although the ending was rough between Samantha and I, I'm glad to know she didn't give up. I remember when when we first started dating, I was falling behind in my college courses. She was there to help and pick me up - to better myself and to ensure that I was doing my absolute best. Without her help, guidance, and encouragement, I wouldn't have made it through some of the roughest times. Considering that we may never see each other again, I still hope that she achieves some of the greatest things in life and gets everything she deserves.

Let's Just be Friends

It’s another cold, calm night. There hasn’t been any communication with no one since the infamous text earlier in the week. Why is it so hard to swallow the truth? Sometimes, it feels better to paint a fictional picture in my mind to help overcome the negativity of this situation. I’ve been here before, though, and experienced this so there is no reason why I should be letting it get to me the way it is. Honestly, I’m ashamed. In reality, I though I taught myself better than this – you know, learning from my mistakes? What happened to all the times I told myself I was going to master my mistakes and make better decisions and judgments? It’s not April, but I do feel like a fool. Right when I was starting to achieve some really great things in life and gaining some of that much needed confidence back. Obviously, my life isn’t a perfect track record. There have been so many times where so many great things happen at once, followed by one substantial mistake that leads me down yet another dark and lonely path.

Perception

She sits there, and reads through all of my personal writings about my past at my discretion. I allow her to openly read them to give her a better understanding of my emotions and who I am as a person. Some of what she read goes into substantial detail about the way I act on my feelings in certain situations. Many people don't believe that, at heart, I'm a hopeless romantic. I try to not show it as much as possible because of all the pain and agony I've suffered over the years. I prefer to keep that in a dark place within me and only elaborate on it to the people I feel like would take it to heart. How will she view me, or will she think of my differently? She doesn't have any idea that I'm starting to develop feelings for her, but when the time comes that I inform her that I do, what will she remember about what she read? Will she have this perception of me of being someone who could be another good friend, or relationship material? I'm sick and tired of some of the most amazing girls I would love to get to know on a relationship level tell me that they would prefer to be friends. It's not that I don't mind being friends, but I don't want to ever be stuck in that zone. I want to be able to know that at any point in time deeper feelings can develop. There is something different about this girl, and it's very hard to explain. I see many ways that we are different, and there are some ways that we relate. Overall, I love her calmness and integrity. She is sometimes quiet, which leads me on a mystery road. What is she hiding? Has she ever been hurt before, and how bad? Does she know how it feels to have your heart completely ripped out? These are questions that I would love to know but feel as if the time isn't right yet to ask. It's only been a couple of weeks that we started to talk a lot more, and if there is one thing from my past that I've learned - it's that you do not want to share to much information in a short period of time. My father has always told me to save some for another day. I have tendencies to rush things and most of my problems with finding a good relationship is because girls get pushed away from this. I'm hoping that this time can be different. I want to at least have hope that maybe she will finally be able to understand me in ways that no other has before. What if she ended up being that hopeless romantic like me, and I just don't know it yet? That would simply be amazing.

Feeding off old Emotions

There is this girl, who will remain unnamed. Suddenly, I have randomly developed some sort of deeper attachment towards her. I constantly have the urge to want to be be wherever she is and engage in conversations about anything. Oddly, this is someone who I never would have imagined I would feel like this towards. She's always been an acquaintance - another friend, another person to just talk to in the day. Then, about two weeks ago, we started talking a lot more in person. It would be about the most random things. Classes, work, aspirations, and more. The fairy tale thing about it all, though, is the simple fact that every time she looked me in my eyes, talking about whatever it was, I looked right back in her eyes. For seconds, I was lost - lost in a moment where I didn't know what I was feeling or why I was feeling it. It felt as if I was connecting with some part of her in a way that I don't really think I have before. It's a new emotion that I've discovered and quite frankly it's impressive. I'm very curious to see how this ends up playing out.

Saying Sorry

"You don't have to apologize."

I know I don't - but I never did, for anything. I hate admitting I'm wrong. I'm competitive, and determined. I hate making mistakes. And all the mistakes I made with you I didn't want to face the truth and admit it to myself. I can't remember the last time I told someone I was wrong. You're the first in a long time. I don't want to ever ruin my character nor let my emotions outplay my intelligence. It's not right, and out of all people, you didn't need any of it the negativity that I brought upon our friendship.